I hate flying. I hate airports. And more than anything I
hate the people in airports.
Over the last three weeks I’ve taken six flights. And have
pretty much met all of the people listed below at some point or other. I’m
currently lying on a stained bed in a dingy hotel in central China. I queued
for 2 hours to get a train ticket and the first one I could get is in three
days. So to waste my time, I’m going to cyber bitch. After some sleep I may
write something a bit more chirpy about the awesome time I had in Thailand (if
I don’t catch a disease from these sheets and die half way through the night), but
first I need to vent. By keyboard bashing this out, one less Chinese person is
gonna get shouted out. Enjoy.
This here is a list of people I try to avoid in airports,
which just so happens to be the list used by airline workers to decide who sits
next to me on every single flight I take.
1)
Kids. Especially kids whose parents couldn’t
give a damn about who their little brat is bothering. Fair enough, kids are
curious and can’t keep still for long periods of time. But having to “play”
with a kid sitting in the seat infront of you for the duration of a flight while
his snot is dripping onto the headrest is enough to do anyone’s nut in.
2)
Chinese kids. See above, but add the fact that
the youngest ones probably aren’t wearing nappies and there’s a slit in the
back of their trousers ready for when the time comes to “go”.
3)
Kids with ipads. Most of the ones I’ve seen are
Chinese, which only adds to my annoyance. What does a kid need with an Ipad? I
swear it’s just the family’s way of showing everyone on the plane that they
have money. “Look, my kid’s playing fruit ninja on an ipad. Turn the sound up
even further baby, so that even the pilot knows that we can afford an ipad”
4)
Anyone wearing headgear. This is not racist. I
mean EVERYONE who has anything on their heads. Turbans, kippahs, bandanas, big
flower hats and worst of all; tour group hats. We gathered that you were all
travelling together from the fact that you’re all following a short guy who’s
waving a toy panda on a stick around in the air. You do not need matching hats
too. My personal favourites are the cool guys who try and spice up these hats
by flipping a corner up, or wearing it backwards…looking good pal, it matches
your mother-ironed and creased jeans perfectly.
5)
Fat people. Everyone’s sat next to a wardrobe
before now. They take half your seat, their flesh is touching you throughout
the whole flight and each one I’ve sat next to usually has the sniffles. Add to
this the fact that they get completely pissed off if you want to go to the toilet
because it means they have to exert some energy.
6)
Dudes with giant headphones. I don’t want to
listen to your music thanks. It annoys me even more when they just wear them
like a necklace.
7)
The Chinese version of these “dudes” who use no
headphones just turn their speakers up full blast. I ESPECIALLY don’t want to
hear your Chinese music on a plane that has no viable escape routes.
8)
Business men. Well done, you have no luggage
checked in. I’m sure it’s highly necessary for you to check your spread sheets
as soon as you get on the plane. And travelling in a suit, I’m sure that’s
comfy. Oh and thanks for the business card, I’ll be sure to call you next time
I’m in dire need of copper tubing for my air conditioning unit.
9)
Chinese business men. Well done, you have no
luggage checked in. I’m sure it’s highly necessary for you to check your spread
sheets as soon as you get on the plane. And travelling in a suit, I’m sure
that’s comfy. Oh and thanks for the business card, I’ll be sure to call you
next time I’m in dire need of copper tubing for my air conditioning unit. Have
fun with the prostitute supplied for you once your meeting is over, say hello
to your wife and child for me.
10)
Monks. These deserve a mention, just because
they make me laugh. On my flight back from Koh Samui I followed a monk through
the security checks. He bleeped. What the hell is a monk carrying under his
bright orange robes? They didn’t search him, they just let him go through.
Future terrorists, make note. That’s all you need is a slight Asian look about
you, a shaved head, bright orange curtains wrapped around a few times, a
satchel and and a pair of manky sandals. As well as an
I-just-walked-up-and-down-a-mountain-before-catching-this-plane aroma.
11)
White guys married to Thai women. It really is
lovely to hear you talk about all the things you’re gonna buy her from duty
free. I think I listen to these men more than their newly purchased missus
does.
12)
Groups of people. By all means lean over me to
speak to your friend, I’ve always wanted someone’s head in my lap for the
duration of a flight. Mind if I put my tray on your ear?
13)
Groups of Chinese people. See above but add the
fact they they have no volume control, spit and love to have group debates
about what to buy from the duty free cart. No I don’t think you need that
second toy plane either.
14)
Smokers. These probably bother me the least, but
every now and again you get a really fidgety one with a fag tucked behind his
ear. Which is pointless as you can’t bring lighters on to a plane.
15)
People who bring suitcases on to the plane. This
bugs me. This really, really bugs me. The first thing that bugs me about it is
that half the people who carry these suitcases don’t have the strength to lift
the case up into the overhead lockers. Surely that doesn’t count as hand
luggage if you can’t actually use your own hands to lift it. Secondly, for me
hand luggage should only consist of the things you might actually need during
the journey. And finally, some of these people STILL have a bloody suitcase to
wait for, so they’re saving no time whatsoever. And their suitcases squash my
normal sized bag into the back of these lockers, thus cracking my laptop.
Pillocks. Yes, I’m bitter.
16)
People who buy their body weight in touristy
shit in departures. I know planes are built to carry a huge amount of weight,
but I can’t help thinking that the weight of things bought by people in
departures is not accounted for. Even though I’m sure Mr. Airasia has thought
of this, a nervous flyer worries about these tiny little things…or gigantic
boxes of tea in the case of most Chinese people. Again…leading to the crushing
of my laptop. Chinese pillocks.
17)
Nervous flyers. I even hate myself on a plane,
sitting next to me must be hell.
18)
Needy flyers. The constant “dinging” when
someone needs the attention of a flight attendant scares me shitless. I think
they should change the sound to something less alarming.
19)
Chinese needy flyers. Same as above, just
doubled. I actually heard one Chinese guy ask if there was wifi on the plane!
35,000 feet (?) from the ground and the guy thinks this is possible. And they
call the Chinese an intelligent race!
20)
Those who pretend to turn off their phone when
asked by the flight attendants. Again, my nervousness just makes me think he’s
phoning one of his terrorist buddies to let them know that the plan is still
going ahead, or telling his missus that he loves her one last time, setting the
bomb timer off, or just messing up the plane’s electrical systems.
21)
Anyone who buys food on a 1 hour flight. I’m
sure you can do without that thoroughly delicious meal served in an aluminium
case that contains your entire salt intake for the week, yet you add more salt
because it came free with it, for one hour.
22)
Spewers. I get spewed upon enough on land, I
don’t need it in the air too.
23)
Those who stand up to get their bags from the
overhead lockers as soon as the plane touches the ground. This has arisen from
the last flight. An Asian stands up, the plane’s still moving, he wobbles and
his suitcase hits the French woman’s shoulder. She then starts to curse (I
assume) in French and the guy carries on getting the rest of his family’s
suitcases without uttering a word of an apology. I believe the word “pillock”
has previously been mentioned?
24)
Any of the first 10 people on a plane. This is
just because I have a thing against people who start queues before there’s a
reason to start a queue.
25)
The queue lambs. I have an even bigger thing
against the people who follow the lead of the people mentioned above. Chill
out, if you’re already at the gate I highly doubt you won’t notice that the
plane has left without you.
26)
Anyone who takes their socks off. Feet, ych.
27)
Couples. It’s fine, lay your legs on top of your
boyfriend. Then fall asleep, unconsciously stretch out and put your feet on top
of me. Want a massage while you’re there?
28)
Chinese couples. Same as above but can’t keep
their hands off each other. Not in a lovey dovey way though. They will
literally sit there bursting each other’s spots, or cutting each other’s nails.
And a personal favourite…holding a tissue for their partner while he/she blows
their nose. I seriously think a no child policy would be better for the human
race.
29)
Anyone who dresses up to fly. My aviation
pessimism and I just see this as “well she wants to look good in the coffin
after the engines cut out, the cabin pressure lowers and our lungs burst, thus
killing us”
30)
People with seat wings. 3 seats = 4 arm rests. 2
selfish b******s = 0 arm rests.
I am the most hypocritical person on earth right now as at one
point in time I have been all of the above (minus the Chinese and monks), so I
would sincerely like to apologise to anyone who has ever sat next to me on a
plane. I feel your pain.
If anybody from Airasia reads this, swap the extra leg room
option for Chinese-free seating options. I would happily pay an extra couple of
quid for a phlegm-free flight.
