A bit about the actual job

Believe it or not I have actually been working (a bit) since arriving here.

I had the first week off, time to readjust and all that. Then there was mid-term exams, so I also had the second week off. So I've been working around 4 weeks now. So far so good!

I came here thinking I'd be working 16 hours a week. But since arriving I've been told I only have to work 4 hours a week. 6 classes! For the same wage. Absolutely insane. I'm imagining people in full time jobs, PGCE students and whatever scheme Rach is doing getting a tad angry at this point. So I would like to point out that none of this is down to me.

The average contract for a Chinese school teacher is 16 hours/week. Anything over this and they get paid extra. So some teachers get days off, and most never have more than 4 classes a day. The basic wage in my school is around £200 a month, with most being paid  £250-300 after extra lessons, bonuses and tutoring on the side. For every extra lesson they teach, each teacher gets 15yuan, £1.50! I'm told that most other school teachers get £3 for every extra lesson, this is something the new headmaster wants to improve.

 In the UK you could get £200/month from being on the dole!

Considering the emphasis placed on education in this country, these teachers get paid nothing! Yes, most things are a LOT cheaper here, compared to the UK. But these are well educated people, who work bloody hard for their money and have to live in piss poor surroundings. Every single person I've spoken to hopes to travel out of China one day. Tell me how you can do that on £200/month? A return flight to China cost me around £600 return. That's 3 months wages for them. Another one of the country's ploys to keep China to itself!

I was told by a lecturer at the university that some of her students have part-time job in local shops. They work 3-4 times a week, on top of university for 6yuan/hour. That's 60p!! One piece of cake in the shop we were sat in at the time cost 15yuan. I felt so, so, so guilty for being in the country and taking their money when I was told this. I still feel guilty when I see people selling fruit, veg, knock-off ipods, rabbits, socks and hot water bottles on the street from 7am until 11pm. But then you can't kick up a fuss about it because it's China!

I did start going into detail about the government and why you can't kick up a fuss. But then I remembered that I'm in China, and can still be deported. So I deleted it. But I think you get the drift. By the way, my blog has been blocked in China (along with youtube, twitter, fb, most of bbc news), so the only way I can access it is through a VPN (got to love the tech geeks).

School in the morning is 7-11.30. The first 30minutes is for reading, then classes start at 7.30. They then go home for 2 hours. For food and sleep. Unless their parents are home, in which case it's morning homework, food and if there's time sleep. Then school at 1.30-5.15. Home for food. Some go back to school by 6.30 for another 2-3 hours of lessons. Others work at home until around 11pm. Depending on their work load. This is 5 days a week for students aged 11-17. And 6 days a week, sometimes with an added Sunday morning near the exam times. for graduation students (17-18).

I complained so much throughout school and uni. But bloody hell, we got it easy bois! I will never complain about having too much work to do again. I probably will, but I will always look back at this time and compare my life to theirs. This place makes Subway look like a dream career (extreme, but necessary comparison)!

So my classes. I teach two grade 2 classes, twice a week and two grade 1 classes, twice a week. I absolutely love it! Grade 1 are my favourite, but that's just because grade 2 put so much focus on their other exams, while grade 1 seem to be more chilled. But that's understandable with the amount of pressure put on grade 2.

Grade 1 used to clap and cheer every time I walked into the class (hell of a confidence booster). But now they just run and crowd around me, nudging other kids out of the way so they get to ask their question first. It's ever so slightly annoying, but to them it's like I'm a completely difference species. They have never seen a foreigner in the flesh before. It took a while for this to sink in, but now I can get my head around it. There is no such thing as multiculturalism in Tongling, there's a bit more in the bigger cities. But in Tongling, I am 1 of only 5 non Chinese people. You can see their pride beaming through when they speak to me in public, with other students looking. NUTS!

Lessons so far have been totally varied. The students have only just been given their text books, so now I have something solid to go by. At the beginning it was more about breaking down barriers and raising their confidence levels. In China, it's really really bad to make a mistake. So the kids wouldn't answer questions, for fear of being wrong. My tactic: say something in Chinese, which would probably be wrong. Allow them to laugh at me and make the point that they still understood me and it's ok to make mistakes. Seems to be working. Now the problem is to get them to shut up!

They have other English lessons, which focus on grammar and literature but have little chance to practise oral English...which is where I come in. I was told before hand that their oral English is "terrible". NOT the case, yes, some are better than others. But how the hell do the teachers expect them to improve if they're never given a chance to practise! GRR! It annoys me that the teachers don't praise the students half as much as they deserve.

So now the fun part...names! I can only remember a few names, there are around 60 students in most of the classes, so it''s really really difficult. It's usually a "you, with the yellow glasses", "panda hat girl" and "crazy guy on the right", which usually gets their attention and a few laughs. Again, seems to be working. I'm getting better though, and I have all their Chinese and English names (if they have one) written in a book. So with a bit of practise I should get there.

You should know that students get their English names either by a teacher in Primary School or they choose ones themselves. With most, it's obvious if they have chosen themselves. Here's a few (ok a lot of) examples:

December     Jenny Bieber     Lightning     Vera     Dragon     Charletto    Soso     Batman     Kungfu Panda     Sulti Dale     Momo     Xman James     Aurora     Guitar boy     Megatron     Cloud Z     Prince     Luna     King     MJ     Mr. Dumpling     Nero     Ryo     Godlike     Link     BMW     Bush     Robber     Apple     Mr. Green     Vivi     Imp     Belly     Sunny     Potter     Hairpin     G2C     Echo     Minerva     Weenie  

There's also a ton of Tom and Jerrys , Frank, Jack, Doris, Anne, Vivian, Jonathan, Sally and Steve and even a Sue!

Every lesson I get a random gift from a student. I've had sweets, chocolate, postcards, letters, wooden Beijing Opera heads, invitation to dine with with their parents (not really sure what I should do about that) and photos. Today I had a letter from Momo (I can't help but think of Nana Momo), saying that she loves the lessons and her last English exam was 15 marks higher than the one before. I was so proud!

I have a few stalkers (Jonathan, Frank and Flora), that carry my bags, walk me to the gate of the school in between lessons, keep asking for my phone number, and walk me back to my house after school. In Wales...weird, in China...still weird!

The long and short of it is that I have landed on my feet with the job, the apartment and the classes I teach (even with the 7.30am starts). I absolutely love my job. And right now, don't even want to think about leaving!

I would like to thank Subway for all of this. Working there made me realise that I do NOT want to be stuck in a dead-end job for my entire life (or for the rest of the year in my case) and motivated me to get the hell out of there, pronto!

KTV

For those of you that don't know what KTV is...youtube it!

I will never be able to explain KTV in a way that does it justice. I've been twice, and both times have been completely insane, yet completely different. But in a nutshell: Karaoke, in a small private room, a massive screen and shedload of Chinese people.

The first time. I am so grateful that nobody had a camera!

I went with a group of English teachers (only one of whom could actually speak to me) and Yuky. Arrived. First song waiting for me "Poker Face"...yey. I think I've probably mentioned GaGa in front of some students about 5 times. And somehow this had gone back to the teachers. The only reason I've mentioned the bloody woman is because the students' knowledge of any English songs  is restricted to Westlife, Elvis, MJ and Gaga! So I sucked it up and murdered the song (not that there was much of a song to murder in the first place, in my opinion).

Over the next few hours I heard various versions of Chinese power ballads, cheesy pop and Chinese "rock". All sang pretty well actually. I left thinking that every single Chinese person could carry a tune (I found out the second time I went that this is not the case).

Then the games began! Picture drinking games, without the drinking. The first one was a group game of paper, rock, scissors. WAW!! Just to add even more fun to this, they played it to the beat of the music!! And to make it THE most fun game in the world, they added a little dance to the beginning! I hope to god the sarcasm comes across.

I had no idea how to play. How the hell does scissors manage to beat rock, rock beat paper (ok that I can understand) and paper beat scissors? I always thought the Chinese were an intelligent bunch of people. 

Now what added to the already immense level of fun in the game was the forfeits (again, I hope you get the sarcasm). So you lose the game, you do a forfeit. That's understandable. But jeeeez the forfeits were like something out of a playschool gym class. Picture this:

"Haaaaa you lose" (everyone points and laughs, loser is chuckling away nervously)

"Oh no! Now what do I have to do? I hope it isn't too bad"

"You've got to stand on one foot for 5 seconds" 

(Loser starts to stand on one foot, with a lot of dramatic wobbling)

"Haaa look at him, it's hilarious. He looks so silly"

(The entire gang is wetting themselves)

I would like to add that this was all in Chinese, so I might have made it up. But that's the just of it.

Other "wilder" forfeits included running around the table 3 times, jumping up and down 5 times, walking from one side of the room to the other with your eyes closed, saying the alphabet backwards, counting from 1-15 in one breath. I sat there laughing fakely (new word right there) for three hours. Can't really get much worse right?

"Liwsi, you want to dance?"
I'm thinking "Ohhh yes! At last we're going to a nightclub, I don't care if they're not drinking, there will be alcohol in the vicinity, I'm sorted" (it was only 7pm at this point)

"Yeah, ok then" (grabbed my bag, people started leaving. Leaving 3 of us in the room)

"Yey, me too" (Yuky goes to the karaoke machine and turns the volume up to 90, then turns around throwing her arms in the air to dance)

I kid you not. Three of us stood in that room WITH NO ALCOHOL and "danced" for 30 looooong minutes. I cannot dance for shit (neither can they it turns out, although I'm not sure if they're aware of that). I do not dance unless I have a good few gallons of alcohol running through every single blood vessel in my body or a bottle in my hand. But no. This time I had gallons of green tea in my blood vessels and sunflower seeds in my hand. Not only did I have to dance, while sober, with two Chinese school teachers. But I had to dance to Chinese music! Chinese music is so bizarre you don't even know if the song is a happy one or a sad one. You would assume a music video with people dressed as penguins would be a happy song, but no, it turns out it's about an artist who killed himself after his wife fell off a motorbike!

Needless to say, I was not looking forward to my next karaoke outing. 

But the Chinese did what they do best and sprung it on me by surprise. 

I had been invited for dinner by Jay (the little noodles and nuts guy previously mentioned). The father of one of the students had invited all her teachers to dinner. I'm told that some teachers do this at least once a week. I felt quite honoured to be asked. So I went along with no make-up and jippo clothes (as I had 5 minutes to grab my stuff and go), I'm foreign so it's acceptable.

I tried to ask who the student was, and was told her Chinese name. I see this class twice a week and there's almost 60 kids in the class. I can only remember a few (the funniest) English names, let alone any Chinese names. I got there and asked (through Jay) the father if he had a photo of his daughter (he described her as shy and fat, as there's not many overweight people in China I had a rough idea who he was talking about). Still couldn't tell you her name though.

So the rice wine was flowing, Jay had told me to only drink as much as I was comfortable with drinking and that I didn't have to drink if I didn't want to. Then his words started slurring and I worked out that the reason he wanted me to slow down is because the bloke's a lightweight, and he didn't want a white girl drinking him under the table. Again, bearing in mind I weigh a good few stone more than him, so you can see how.

The teachers were all asking about my Chinese, so I showed them how much I knew by saying "Ni jiao shenme ming zi?" (What's your name?). One answered "Wo jiao Jack". I was thinking "Ahh ok Jack, it's a decent English name, I'll remember that". 

Not one of them could say my name, so they started calling me Rose. How hard is Liwsi to say? Or Lucy even?! There is not one phoneme there that they don't have in their own language. But, nevertheless, I now have a new English name...Rose. Lucky me.

More of the men started telling me then that their name was also Jack. I just thought it was a popular name. Then the music teacher pointed to Jay (who was swaying in his seat at this point), and said that his name was Jack. This confused the hell out of me. I thought I had messed up and had been calling this guy by the wrong name for the whole time I'd been here.

I then clicked when the music teacher started humming "My heart will go on". NOT IMPRESSED. Rose and Jack. Liwsi and Jay. Isn't that hilarious. Well done you. Making a joke in English. Clever, clever sods. The word "awkward" springs to mind when describing the rest of the evening. 

I then started toasting more people, just so I could get more wine in the system to make the whole thing go away. 

THEN we went to KTV. I walked in last, they all cheered, thrust a mic into my hand (while Jay had the other one) and put on "My freaking heart will freaking go on". I have never appreciated wine so much in my life! Then the beers came in. The father had bought two crates and shared them around. They don't even drink beer casually, out of the bottle here. You pour it into a glass, say "cheers" to somebody then neck the content of the glass (wish someone would have told me this BEFORE I filled the glass up to the rim). 

The rest of the night consisted of me slow dancing with the head teacher (registration teacher) of class 101, beer, being serenaded in Chinese by the music teacher, beer, being a shoulder to cry on for the Geography teacher ("I'm not pl-ity nhone of zees tee-chas want to tayk me on d-ates", "Oh I'm sure they do, they're just shy, "Jay, JAY, JAAAYYY you'll take Belinda on a date won't you?"), beer and nudging Jay back to an upright position on the sofa every 5 minutes. 

God, I'm cringing just thinking about it.

I had also agreed to observe one of Jay's classes with 101. Thinking it would be next week. But no, no, no...7.30 the following morning!! I think he was finding it a bit more painful than me!! Mwahahahaha!

Apologies for typos or just bad English. Just don't tell my bosses.

Michael and Jack duet

Rose, Belinda, token Chinese pose and Michael

Maths Jack, Jay Jack, Music Jack, Physics Jack and Moral Studies Jack

Yes, it's cold in China right now.

The joyous medical check.

If you're not a big fan of hospitals I suggest you read this one. I guarantee you will truly appreciate British hospitals after reading this. 

This is all the result of a very long and boring story involving medical checks at home, non-Chinese signatures, permits and having to ask the old man to email me a copy of my HIV test results (something I could have done without).

So it all started with an alarm at 6.30am for a 7am appointment. This is an insane time for a medical appointment, NOBODY looks healthy at 7am! Walked into this building which looked like a needle exchange centre in Townhill (with the bags under my eyes at that time of morning I looked like I belonged there). After traipsing around different buildings, different floors, speaking (or nodding) to different men in white coats, we eventually got to the right office. Looked clean, no sign of blood or needles. It would do. I spent the whole of 30 seconds there filling in yet another medical form.

Followed the little doctor to yet another building where I had the first of my tests; the ECG. Kind of knew what to expect; a few probes on my chest attached to a machine that goes “beep, beep, beep” at regular intervals (hopefully). That was pretty much it, EXCEPT for the fact that I was in a tiny room with another 8 Chinese women, 2 doctors and I had to strip off in front of every one of them. They obviously had never seen white skin before and did not stop staring at me for the whole time! It was one of many “man up” moments I’ve experienced.

So in the same room was an ultrasound machine. I forgot to mention that of the 9 women in the room I was the only one that wasn’t pregnant! There were huge signs on the walls stating that it was illegal to look at the monitor while the doctor is scanning a woman’s belly. This is because parents aren’t allowed to find out the sex of the baby before it’s born. The whole one child policy has, in the past (and still goes on if you have the money), resulted in many women having abortions if they know that their baby is a girl. Everyone in China wants a boy; because they cost less to raise and the parents have to spend less on the weddings, men generally have a higher salary than women and men can carry on the good name of the family, whereas a woman is often called by her husband’s name.

I met this woman. She has a brother. The brother’s wife was pregnant with their second child. They were able to have a second child as they had enough money to pay the fines, and didn’t need to worry about the wife losing her job (women can be sacked for having a second child) because the husband had a really good job.  This woman is pretty wealthy and has many doctor friends. After discovering 

that her daughter in-law was pregnant  the mother asked the daughter to pay off a doctor in the hospital, in order for him to tell her if the baby was a boy or a girl. She refused to do this. And her mother hasn’t spoken to her since. The baby girl was born last week, her grandmother has refused to see her and has not left the house because of the “shame” that 2 granddaughters has brought upon her. Sickening!! I thought this was just an extreme case. But I’ve since been told that this is quite common amongst the wealthier families.

Back to the medical check. Ahh ye, so the ECG was basically me lying topless on a bed with 8 Chinese women and two female doctors staring at me. The results didn’t go to a monitor they went to, essentially, a receipt printer. I was told to relax…bit hard to do in that situation!! Talk about uncomfortable.

I then moved to another table for the ultrasound, where the doctor plastered my belly with a gel, absoooolutely freezing! I’ve seen the medical check result sheet since then and it doesn’t even ask for a freaking ultrasound. I figured I must have looked fat enough to be pregnant so they assumed I needed one.

So I’m lying there, top lifted, freezing cold, with 8 women staring and the doctor starts to look closer and closer at the screen and digging the damn instrument further and further into my stomach (they’re lucky there was no baby in there, talk about bruising!). Then calls another doctor across to have a look, I can’t see the screen or understand Chinese. So I’m lying there trying to look content, hinting to Yang to tell me what the hell the problem is. I ask a few times “everything ok?”  *nervous laugh*, “soooo…what’s happening” *nervous laugh*. Every single woman in the room is looking at the screen at this point (the rule obviously goes right out the window when foreigners are involved). She eventually replies “I’ll tell you later”. UTTER PANIC! I’m thinking I’m pregnant…it’s twins…no triplets….I’m definitely having triplets…will I be able to fly…what am I going to tell my parents… if they’re born in China will they be Chinese or Welsh…do foreigners count in the one child policy…what happens if you have triplets under the one child policy…no wonder I’ve put weight on…shit, I’ve been drinking rice wine every night this week, my triplets are going to be deformed…I’ve got to name one of them Chandler…Chandler’s a girl.

I wasn’t pregnant.

I apparently have something “on” my kidney. They couldn’t speak English, Yang’s English doesn’t cover medical terms. So to this day I still don’t know what’s “on” my kidney. But I’m not dead yet, so can’t be that bad.

Then there was the blood test. My god.  I didn’t think things could get much worse than the ultrasound….I was wrong. Went back out to the corridor where there was something vaguely resembling a queue of people. I assumed they were queuing to get into a room…I was wrong. They were “queuing” to shove their arms through a window into a room…this was the blood(y) test.

I’m foreign. So I naturally I get to push (be pushed) to the front of the queue (this is usually great, but in this instance I could have done with a few more minutes/hours/days to psych myself up for what was about to happen). So I shove my arm through this half opened tinted window, so you can’t see the doctor’s face (I presume this is so you can’t punch the b*****d), all this while sitting on a corridor full of people (one nudge and that needle is piercing a vital organ). This pair of hands pops out and gently (pfft) wraps and ties an elastic tube above your elbow. Then the needle comes out, except this needle isn’t attached to a syringe, it’s literally a needle attached to a bendy tube. The needle goes in (at this point Yang leaves, so I’m alone with the no-faced doctor and curious patients). There’s no clamps! The blood goes through the bendy tube (every single person there was surprised to see that my blood was EXACTLY THE SAME as theirs), into the test tube that the doctor is holding below. He (or she) then swapped test tubes, so my blood carries on dripping out of the bottom of the bendy tube. I fill the second test tube. He removes the needle. More blood spills. Gives the window and the shelf a quick wipe and directs me to leave. No plaster. No bandage. Nothing. So I use my thumb to stop my blood from being wasted!

I know Britain’s gone over the top with health and safety rules and regulations, but bloody hell that was the completely opposite end of the spectrum. The test was to check if I was HIV pos, I could have told them before that I wasn’t, but I wasn’t so sure after the actual blood test!

The x-ray was pretty standard (compared to the previous tests).

Results: EXACTLY THE SAME AS THE MEDICAL CHECK I ALREADY HAD!! I’m chubby and have a dodgy kidney…I blame Aber.